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Joke of the Day

"Dave is coming over. Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave? Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING."

"Really discouraging that there's still bald people in sci fi movies."

"Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst."

"What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !"

"Me: I want a... Debit card: Nope. Me: Ok. Just making sure."

"My wife is divorcing me, apparently she is sick of all my flower puns... I asked her ""Where's this stemming from petal?"""

"I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream"

"My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution Nope, I'm still working here"

"Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.' Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'"

"[talking to son on the phone] ""I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police"" I'm sorry. We've been very busy with the holidays and all."