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Joke of the Day

"I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose."

"Judge: ""Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"" Defendant: ""Yes it's true."" Judge: ""Then why don't you just pay him back?"" Defendant: ""Because it wouldn't be true anymore."""

"If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way"

"What do you call a chinese crab who just got dumped? A frustacean"

"What would be the most useless superpower? How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet."

"A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I'm turning into my mother."

"Yo mama so fat She couldn't fit in this joke."

"Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife"

"I didn't want to walk in the woods. But i was forest"

"What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common? 84% of their dna"