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Joke of the Day

"What does the sun drink out of? Sunglasses."

"Have a drink My friend told me to get a beer as I looked like I had a rough day. I looked at him and said ""With your face, you must be an alcoholic."""

"[picking a career as a kid] I just want to do something that matters [many years and jobs later] Oh right nothing matters"

"I always wanted to be my own boss so now I run a nonprofit Not by choice, im just a shitty salesman."

"What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex? Bondage!"

"Police in Yorkshire have discovered a new method of taking Ecstasy, where users dab it into their mouths... E by gum"

"Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident"

"There should be a Photoshop function to automatically remove unwanted trolls from the background of your pictures 'Photo Balm'"

"What did the Doe say when she walked out of the bushes? I'll never do that for two bucks again."

"Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !"