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Joke of the Day

"When I start to panic about the Trump presidency I remember that we are on a rock floating around a fireball and I panic about that instead."

"How do you tell the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant? AIDS."

"My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. :)"

"*unplugs 100% charged iphone* *slides to unlock* battery 43%"

"I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME. I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything."

"""911 what's your em-"" STAMPEDE ""slow down sir"" IN THE GORGE ""sir I'm gonna need you t-"" SIMBAS DOWN THERE"

"I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall... So I said, ""Screw it!"""

"What's the difference between telling a good joke and sex? Dunno. I'm pretty shit at both."

"If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven"

"Wondering why my jokes aren't being upvoted. All of my employees laugh at my jokes, so I'm obviously a funny guy."