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Joke of the Day

"Parents: ""Why don't you come socialize with the family?"" Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*"

"Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car."

"Do you want to hear a bad joke? *my life* Sorry if that was not likeable and miserable, *just like my face* Okay, I am going to stop before it gets too dark and too empty, *just like my soul.*"

"I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people."

"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year."

"Star Wars VII: the force awakens Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play Star Wars IX: goodnight force"

"What's dark, and usually involved in crime? A balaclava."

"Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away."

"I went to a mock trial recently and I was really disappointed. I didn't get to mock anyone."

"If you Say the word ""murder"" over and over again out loud, it starts to sound really weird and everyone in this starbucks will stare at you."