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Joke of the Day

"I decided to have that fifth cup of coffee, and now the ghosts of my ancestors are scrolling through my iTunes trying to pick a summer jam."

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"I just passed by Canadian citizenship test! I got an eh +"
"Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? He conditioned it."
"What does my physics professor have in common with Gandalf? YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!"
"Me: There's a real fat one on the other team! Her: ""My son's not fat!"" How you know I was talking about him? ""Cuz he's the.."" Fat one? ""Ya."""
"When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car"
"Why do stoners spend so much money? because they're high rollers"
"i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards"
"Why was the binary number so happy? Because of two's compliment!"
"How is Microsoft like Bob Marley? I do updates before I do updates. And then I do updates."