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Joke of the Day
"I'll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog."
Next Joke
"My girlfriend won't give me road head... She says she won't willing participate in sex trafficking."
"F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs"
"My 10 year old: ""If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first."" Me: ""What?"""
"Take a pistol 1. Take a pistol 2. Point it to your head 3. Pull the trigger WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND"
"I was skeptical Apple was using child labor until my iPod arrived and engraved on it was, ""Help! So hungry! Send Lunchables!"""
"DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?"
"why i call my girlfriend warm beer my girlfriend asked me why i sometimes call her warm beer, i told her very few want her sober but while drunk shes fair game."
"Boss: You need to work on your puncuality. Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place. Boss: ....?"
"Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite."