150845

Joke of the Day

"I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. there is no cure."

"Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?"

"What is the difference between michael jackson and pimples? Pimples wait until you're thirteen before they come all over your face."

"Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a mattress store and sleep on the floor"

"What do you call 2 medics? paramedics"

"I wonder who the Jonses try to keep up with."

"I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes."

"Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating."

"Did anyone else go into Monsters, Inc. thinking it was going to be a movie about a really big sink?"

"Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco"