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Joke of the Day

"Poured Tresemme on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent"

"Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I'm ok never handling a firearm."

"*lowers car suspension to look more gangster* *takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*"

"Did you hear that einstein made a theory about space It's about time too"

"Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am... Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo."

"If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I'm going to be pissed!"

"I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it's called ""Don't buy shit you can't afford!"""

"Why did the chicken not cross the road? Because it would have been a fowl proceeding."

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face."

"I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples."