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Joke of the Day

"[priest bends over my coffin seductively revealing a thong to the entire funeral]"

"The Nationwide commercial didn't make me feel anything but I once dropped my chicken nuggets and cried for an hour and forty minutes."

"Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn't become Superman. Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged."

"Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her Bartender: Oh yeah? Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th ::rushes home::"

"Can't sleep. Just miss Circuit City a lot right now."

"Dear President of Mexico, DO NOT fall for Trump's old trick where he mumbles ""guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?"" and you say ""What?"""

"Want to hear a funny abortion joke? Sorry, couldn't conceive one."

"What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone."

"daylight savings I've been told my clocks have to go back tonight but I can't even remember where I bought them from"

"I Like My Vaginas Like My Two Favorite Clint Eastwood Movies Dirty Harry and Every Which Way but Loose"