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Joke of the Day

"what do you call a fake noodle? An IMPASTA!"

"""Hey, where's the beach?"" ""Down by the ocean!"" -Dr. Demento, presumably."

"Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore."

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."

"I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined. I literally can't buy shit."

"I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them."

"Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia."

"Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's- Romeo: LIFE Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?"

"A guy sees his dad has a black eye - Hey, Dad. Why do you have a black eye? - You'll have two if you leave your girlfriend's underwear in my car one more time!"

"*watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear."