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Joke of the Day

"The seven year old is going to be so surprised when she wakes up in this cage painted green with me yelling ""I caught a leprechaun!"""

"Yes... I retweet. Isn't that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that's your fault..."

"I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith."

"Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either."

"I was walking down the road and some guy tipped a whole carton of milk on me... How dairy"

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours."

"10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t."

"In a communist country, what does a woman say to a man before having sex? I want you to seize my means of reproduction."

"Chuck Norris can squeeze blood from a stone. He must feed his children."