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Joke of the Day

"I heard it's impossible to ban Tank tops in the US... Something about the right to bare arms..."

"Whats the difference between Hospitality and Business? One will help you and the other will help you be an asshole"

"I hate w.hen my period comes early"

"Her: The laundry pods are missing! Me: Oh really? H: Did you eat them again? M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why? H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!"

"So I tried catching some fog today... I mist."

"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate."

"What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers? The feathers. The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 ""regular"" ounces. The more you know..."

"[Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] ""What the-"" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY"

"I was reading in the paper... And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. I thought to myself, ""How could anyone stoop so low?"""

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"