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Joke of the Day

"""You'll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have."" -Maya Angelou"

"I ordered a book on near death experiences. The anticipation almost killed me."

"[reading book report] ME: Beyowulf is the story of a guy that turns into an wolf when he hears Beyonce TEACHER: Wrong. ME: Well, I tried."

"What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one or not."

"Donald Trump says he can ""protect the Constitution"" Do people really think he can stop Nic Cage?"

"Why did the Samurais armor break? There was a chink in it."

"My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?! Me: Because my bed is at home."

"What do you call a Kiwi with one leg? Not even bro."

"Judge: ""Reason for divorce?"" Me: ""Reconcilable differences."" Judge: ""Don't you mean irreconcilable?"" Me: ""Ugh. You sound just like her."""

"Why is it best to be bitten quickly by one mosquito? Because an itch in time saves nine."