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Joke of the Day

"Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: ""So whose funeral is it?"" I told him I haven decided yet."

"He died doing what he loved: being alive"

"When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that's my neighbor haha Hi Pam!"

"I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Headgear Barbie ...guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better!"

"Me on New Year's Day: 2016 is so going to be my year! (Morgan Freeman narration): 2016 would not, in fact, be anyone's year."

"Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate? Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?"

"The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you."

"Did Torres play for every other EPL club before Chelsea ? .... Because he never celebrated scoring a goal."

"Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on."