146421
Joke of the Day
"Little do you know that in my head I've already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body."
Next Joke
"What do you call a mean Potato? A Dictator."
"Warning: Dead baby joke What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock. You can't fuck a rock."
"I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out."
"If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one."
"Why did sodium stay home all day? Because when helium invited sodium and potassium to the mall, potassium said *K* but all sodium could say was *Na*."
"Don't be sad if you don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day Most people don't have AIDS on World AIDS day either."
"Dove: Dad, what's my name mean? Me: It's the symbol for love Swallow: What about mine? Me: Umm, true love."
"[dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick"
"Dear microwave companies, Why make us select ""cook"" at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something? Sincerely, Everyone"