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Joke of the Day

"When do ghosts have to stop scaring people? When they lose their haunting licenses."

"HUGE shout out to Will Smith! With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in '96. Happy Independence Day!"

"What do terrorists and the England football team have in common? They will never win"

"when I was 11 my dad saw me using deodorant, laughed, and said ""that's not how you do it."" I never asked him the right way & it haunts me"

"how do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their tiny brooms."

"Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?"

"Hi, I'm from Brazil and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me..."

"[Inventing Cotton Candy] What if insulation was delicious?"

"If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it's not based on a true story."

"My mom said I had to become closer to Jesus... We haven't spoken much since the border patrol incident"