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Joke of the Day

"There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking the fuck out."

"Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon."

"Minister: if anyone objects to this unio- Me: *raptor call* Groom: *raptor call* Guests: *chorus of raptor calls* *Bride gets devoured*"

"I'm going to see Jimi Hendrix perform next week! At least, that's what my doctor told me..."

"Finally, I win 1st place in something! A guy recently rated me as a solid 1 in the attractiveness scale. I've never won anything in my life!"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Caitlin ! Caitlin who ? Caitlin you my trainers tonight I'm wearing them !"

"Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven? Ted: No but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there."

"Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare? It just lepton."

"Just think about this: Jeff Goldblum is someone's uncle. Jeff Goldblum goes to someone's house for holidays and is Jeff Goldblum."

"Born Too Late To Explore The Earth, Born too early to explore the galaxy, Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks."