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Joke of the Day

"She told me she ""literally died laughing,"" and that's when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face."

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"Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven *Gets hit by a water ballon* Jesus: That's not what I meant, Paul"
"Anything you say can and will be held against you boobies"
"ur honor, i call GOD as my witness *jury gasps* *nothimg happens* *slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands* damit no Gary sit down"
"""I need to talk to you."" Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you've ever done. Ever."
"A woman screams as she gives birth... ""What's wrong, honey?"" her husband asks. ""What's wrong?!?"" the woman shouts, ""THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"" ""Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"""
"[at pet store] ""This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?"" ""No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."""
"Jared Blames Weight loss for his paedophillia. He could finally catch them."
"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything."
"Two Chinese guys walk into a bar.. The bartender says ""Why the same face?"""