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Joke of the Day

"[high seas] FIRST MATE: I can't wait to see my wife again PIRATE: Land Ho! FIRST MATE: Now look, that's a little rude"

"I'm always a little suspicious of women who say that they don't ""remember things"""

"How does a sailor remove a condom? He farts"

"What did god say when he created the first black man? fuck you"

"What is Father Christmas's tax status? Elf-employed."

"I just ended a 5 year relationship! I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship."

"Hey, want to play the rape game? No? That's the spirit!"

"I dread doing laundry as if I didn't have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing"

"Lotta dudes in this coffee shop looking poignant."

"Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. "