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Joke of the Day

"Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter."

"My wife left me *sobs uncontrollably*"

"What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !"

"If I can see your boner I'm going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect."

"If you're meeting someone, get to the place early so you'll have a few minutes to kick back and repeatedly text, ""Where are you"""

"What do snakes have on their bath towels ? Hiss and Hers !"

"What's pasty, white, and bounces up and down in a crib? My ass."

"""And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."""

"What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year."

"A structural engineer walked into a bar... ...this is when he realised his building design was flawed."