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Joke of the Day

"A feminist asked me how I view lesbians In HD was apparently not the correct answer."

"Lazy people fact #4564321564 You were too lazy to read that number."

"Got a job cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kim Jong has a short one, Mickey Mouse's isn't human, the Pope doesn't use his, and Cher doesn't have one. What is it? Last Names"

"Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist Giving us proof of an ""astonishingly excellent"" asshole."

"Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I'll play mine"

"Santa's sack is on the sleigh... Q.-Why is Santa Claus's sack so big and heavy ? A.-Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it is down a chimney!"

"I am a very kind and honest person. if I see an old lady trying to cross a street... ...I will tell her she is old."

"What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting."

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"