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Joke of the Day

"I used to be a necropheliac... [NSFW] ...but then some rotten asshole split on me."

"I heard I'm so bad at making jokes. It's laughable."

"Capitalization... It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"You're ""gluten free?"" How nice. I'm mostly ""money free"" so I can't be so fuckin' picky."

"Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it's always the same damn advice: ""Lay off the methamphetamine."""

"I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the--nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks"

"If you plug in a USB cord correctly on the first try, you shouldn't have to pay taxes for a year."

"North Korea is calling for war. In other news, it's Saturday."

"The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom. To which I reply ""Are you going to fly up there and complain?"""

"Why doesn't Oprah Winfrey have sex with her husband? She doesn't have a husband."