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Joke of the Day

"I hate when I wake up in the morning hungover with penises drawn on my face, Especially since I was drinking alone last night"

"My friend from Hollywood always told me, ""Shoot for the stars."" He was an assassin."

"Went to this zoo in Venezuela and the only animal they had was one dog It was a shih tzu"

"Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad"

"What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment."

"took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name"

"What did the sister cell say to her sister cell when she stepped on her foot? Ow Mytosis! Credits to Amanda Damiani"

"Good news, insomniacs! Only 1 more sleep 'til Christmas!"

"[First date] So what do you do for a living? ""I'm a florist"" WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT'S LAVA?"

"Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour."