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Joke of the Day

"If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can't hear."

"in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times"

"Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don't know what I'm gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It's a mystery"

"I need new jokes to write in people's birthday cards. The one I've been using for years is getting pretty stale: ""Happy Bird Day!"" Then I draw a bird. Thanks /r/jokes!"

"I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses."

"It's raining I'm pouring. Chick at the bar is whoring. We went to bed, she gave me head. Who says conventions are boring?"

"Why do you always see Santa with a full sack? Because he only comes once a year!"

"This joke tops everything. This joke everything."

"Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning."

"I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go"