142221

Joke of the Day

"My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome."

"I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription."

"You know what makes a lot of sense? A dollar"

"Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live."

"I took a photo of the thing I use to play my guitar. It was a lovely pic."

"Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent."

"You want people to leave you alone? Carry a clip board and try to make eye contact."

"Jersey Shore was doomed the moment they named it after Pauly Shore."

"[hospital] ""I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again"" ""Oh God, he's paralysed?"" ""No, someone's bought him rollerblades"""

"I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses."