128105

Joke of the Day

"Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent."

"What do you call five black people having sex? A threesome."

"Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact... Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore."

"The giant panda is no longer endangered... It's now extinct"

"What's worse than beating a dead horse? Shooting a live gorilla"

"When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over. -me, right now"

"listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk"

"I went to an illiterate psychic I couldn't get a reading"

"What's better than roses on your piano? (PG13) Tulips on your organ."

"Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks."