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Joke of the Day

"You ever get off the toilet and think... Man, was I full of shit!"

"Why is oral sex with your wife like being interviewed by the police? One slip of the tongue and your in the shit."

"Dicks are like bullets Small calibers don't penetrate shit, and the exploding ones really fuck you up."

"If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing."

"Jesus and floppy discs are very similar They both died to become the image of saving"

"My wife and i were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"""I'm sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"" -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item"

"Drunk me used to set a ""Mystery Alarm"" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me"

"If we stop neutering our dogs then the Terriers have won."

"What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem."