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Joke of the Day

"My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone"

"I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik"

"The guy I hired to kill my rats is amazing I think he's an ex-terminator"

"Why do gay pirates always fight each other? They are always trying to get to the others booty"

"Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? A: Because he is a meat eater!"

"My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for ""minimal lettuce."" He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg."

"I'd be calmer defusing a bomb after four Red Bulls than watching someone else use my laptop."

"two atoms are talking.. ""Hey Bob, why the long face?"" ""I've just lost an electron."" ""What, are you sure?"" ""Yes..... I'm positive."""

"Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one."

"Why are marines who can't swim better? They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm."