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Joke of the Day

"70% of my enemies were once my friends."

"""I have a particular set of spills,"" Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt. He looks for a napkin but the last one's already been Taken."

"What do you call saplings in the army? the infantry"

"Q: What are swearing outdoor grills powered with? A: Profane tanks."

"I was making fun of some sodium chloride and ended up being charged with aggravating a salt."

"It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is."

"I'm really looking forward to the next stop on my Mediterranean cruise. The captain said we're just a few clicks out from Harem Bay."

"Damn, baby got back. And front. And sides. Baby three-dimensional. This is a real baby."

"What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof? Tired arms!"

"How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None the keyboardist can do it with his left hand."