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Joke of the Day

"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, He said ""here's a picture of me when I was younger."" I responded ""Every picture is of you when you were younger."" -Mitch Hedberg"

"Drugs are bad...when they wear off."

"ELI5: If Silicon Valley seceded from the US would they be considered a developing nation?"

"Just had a food baby, but I'm not ready for that type of responsibility so I flushed it"

"I guess Jesus turned water into wine... But I'm not too far behind because if I drink enough wine it tastes like water... so I got that going for me"

"What does it take to finish a race? More than a Holocaust"

"Maybe Hitler did nothing wrong... Maybe he was reich."

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!"

"ME: I need to pee really bad TEACHER: can you hold it? ME: probably not. my hands aren't very good at retaining liquid"

"ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas"