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Joke of the Day

"Tomorrow I'm opening the time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how big my puppy got."

"I like my pizza ""Chicago"" style. full of bullet holes."

"Being an assassin would be so cool People would kill to have that job"

"What is a neckbeard's favorite type of wood? m'hogany"

"How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb? Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs."

"What do more than half the U.S. population consider a gay marriage? Still not recognizable"

"Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, ""Parking fine"", so that was nice."

"[job interview] ""I'll never hire you"" ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I'm swordf- NO IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE"

"What's Trump's favorite place to shop? *Wall-Mart* ^^pls ^^no ^^kill ^^I ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^at ^^2 ^^in ^^the ^^morning"

"Why did Hitler commit suicide? ...he got the gas bill"