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Joke of the Day

"TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die"

"I'm always ready to go back to sleep"

"What do kids like to eat in the playground? Recess Pieces."

"Forget everything you learn... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'"

"I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around."

"Every time I approach girls they inexplicably shoot away from me. Can't say definitively if I have the force but... The correlation is strong with this one."

"Couldn't tell if this really hot chick just waved at me in her car, or if she was just putting the sun visor down."

"So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night. She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies."

"Reminder: Please just hit the ""RT"" button on my tweets if you're ugly. Don't want people associating your busted face with my art."

"I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators... All I wanted was to complete the circle of life."