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Joke of the Day

"*dies* *gets to heaven* *sees furries everywhere* Me: What the... Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man *laughs, puts on giraffe costume*"

"Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on."

"Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves."

"Before kids: I'd choose going blind over going deaf. After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!"

"I see bed, people."

"8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor? Me: I just did 438 sit ups. 8: sounds legit. I've taught her well."

"being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead."

"What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber."

"If a 4-year-old says, ""I'm scared there's a monster living under my bed"" Don't reply, ""Oh, that's where he's been hiding."" I know that now."

"Nobody ever sneezes in movies."