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Joke of the Day

"I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY."

"[me trying to do magic] Is this your card? ""No"" Is THIS your card? ""Not even close"" What about THIS? ""Trent thats literally a piece of ham"""

"What do women and Tony Stark have in common? They are both Fe Males."

"What do you call the space between a Mormon's butthole and balls? a Latter-day taint!"

"I saw some guy stealing my front gate... -""I saw some guy stealing my front gate."" -""Didn't you say anything?"" -""No, I thought he'd take a fence."""

"How come when a child shouts ""This is dumb"" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?"

"I got a new one for you. You know how I can tell if the government smokes the pot the DEA seizes? THEY'RE paranoid and OUR rights are being taken away."

"How many Greg leganis does it take to fill a swimming pool I don't know but it only takes one to empty it."

"Why are native americans the best strippers? Because when they dance they make it rain."

"""To label you ""divine"" would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence. ... and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you're up?"""