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Joke of the Day

"pushing an obese dude down a hill wasn't what i had in mind when you asked me if i wanted to roll a fatty."

"I know the rule: if you're dreaming and you're about to pee, wake up! But last night I found myself about to pee on Emma Watson, and man, I just had to see where that one was going."

"You could probably win the US election by promising to make the McRib a permanent McDonald's menu item."

"I lost sixty pounds in two seconds with diet and exercise and Photoshop!"

"""Any two-watt bulbs?"" ""For what?"" ""That'll do. I'll take two."" ""Two what?"" ""I thought you didn't have any."" ""Any what?"" ""Yes, please."""

"A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me... That the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery."

"Why did the Tumblr user get cut up on Halloween? She identified as pump-kin."

"On sunday remember to turn your clocks back an hour And on tuesday vote Trump to set our country back 60 years."

"What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, now it's offensive to talk about."

"Grocery produce aisle ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?"