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Joke of the Day

"If wrestlers have biceps, and bodybuilders have triceps, what do surgeons have? Forceps (I hate my shit life)"

"""We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,"" says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar."

"Some guy told me he liked me, but he doesn't follow me on twitter so his opinion is invalid."

"A family of ducks walks into a church. ""Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?"" The father asks timidly."

"Are you a power tool? Because i'd really like you to screw my holes *Pickup line a woman should use*"

"When I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'."

"dyslexic x 2 1) Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog. 2) So, the dyslexic guy goes into a bra."

"What do we want? HEARING AIDS! When do we want them? WHAT?!"

"So an Olympian walks into a bar... and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed."

"Meeting friends for dinner. Can't find my phone so I'm bringing along a TV remote to stare at."