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Joke of the Day

"I chew gum when I get sad It helps chew me up"

"4 lawyers died in a car crash. Oops, sorry, wasn't supposed to put the punchline in the title."

"My daughter is at that age where she has started asking awkward questions about sex... Like, ""Is that all you fucking got?"""

"What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't take her out again."

"*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume* ""HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN"" *throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*"

"I don't know why they call it the Oedipus Complex. Banging your mom seems fairly simple."

"My wife said, ""You always blame everyone else when things go wrong"" I said..""And whose fault is that?"""

"[mouse plane] mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking- *mouse passengers squeal with delight*"

"What's the most fucked up joke you know that is not racist in any way? Lemme have it."

"[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] ""he looks like you"" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though"