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Joke of the Day

"Dad I'm gay *Dad rips newspaper* ""WHAT"" I like guys dad ""Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second"""

"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."

"son you're getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own; bathing the cat for starters"

"*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume* That's a pretty dubious clam"

"Q: What does a PASCAL programmer say to a C programmer? A: ""Would you like fries with that?"""

"*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*"

"2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said ""nice lumberjack costume."""

"Whenever I go to delete an app on my iPhone, I like to pretend the shaking icons are all screaming loudly in panic over who's getting axed."

"My food pyramid is a cup of coffee sitting on a pack of cigarettes."

"I'm sick and I'm going to work today; so if there's some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I'm your patient-zero."