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Joke of the Day

"What if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again"

"Two Scarecrows are standing out in a field... One says to the other, ""Hey man!"""

"Whenever someone asks, ""you look familiar, where do I know you from?"" I like to respond with, ""Well do you watch porn...?"""

"If I meet Captain Crunch I'm going to punch him in the roof of the mouth."

"I just read the words ""untimely death"" and thought, ""Man, I hope my death is timely."""

"The school year is like a burrito... After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart."

"Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job."

"Did you hear about the Jew and the Scotsman who spent the night together? Apparently that's all they spent."

"Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama? Because he got Snowden."

"I tried to fix my shovel today, but I just couldn't handle it."