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Joke of the Day

"Why doesn't God like grapefruit? Because he doesn't fucking exist."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? Because the *p* is silent"

"[orchestra] VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question? VIOLIN 2: Um, okay. V1: What's up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?"

"My girlfriend was really excited about sex but said we couldn't because she was on her period... .. I turned back and declared ""The only thing a period stops is a sentence."""

"My therapist told me.. My therapist told me that I have a fear of confrontation. I didn't agree with her but I held my tongue in case it caused an argument."

"I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car"

"Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day. How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool."

"Spain at the 2014 World Cup"

"They are investigating Princes death... They dusted for prince, but found him face down in the corner."

"If there's someone in the aisle of something I need at the grocery store I don't need it anymore."