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Joke of the Day

"I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car"

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's 13."

"Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go."

"I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. Didn't want it waking the wife and kids."

"Why did the pentagon change it's name to the square? Because they were cutting corners."

"My doctor told me to avoid trans fats. I'm really gonna miss Tumblr."

"The sentence ""I'm aware"" isn't very scary Unless you put Wolf on the end."

"What is Mister Miyagi's favorite drink? Jack Daniels-san"

"I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken."

"Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him."