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Joke of the Day

"Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it."

"I had no idea time zones were so far apart...Just landed in China and it's fucking New Year apparently."

"Life and Coffee I like my life like I like my coffee, as dark as it can possibly get."

"What is a pedophile's favorite shoe? White Vans."

"*intercom comes on* ""Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"""

"How do you measure the molar mass of guacamole? With Avocado's Constant."

"What's the worst thing your wife can do while you're having sex? Come home early."

"wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea."

"""Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs"" could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden."

"Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you'd be ready to discuss it when you woke up."