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Joke of the Day

"Some people are just better left alone. In a jacket, in a room with padded walls."

"How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to ""do your share"""

"What do a moped and a fat chick have in common? Both are fun to ride but you'd never want your friend to catch you on one."

"What did the Siamese twins from Iowa tell their date? It's February 1st. You going to caucas or not?"

"What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean."

"Someone threw an egg at me, I wasn't able to dodge it. It was un-ovoid-able. =("

"Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man ""What are you thinking?"" Because now I know and I am horrified."

"New drugs? Look them up on trip advisor!!"

"There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses."

"You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film ""Helicopter Shots of People Walking."""