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Joke of the Day

"Why does America have so many boasting Republicans? Because it needs some bragging rights."

"RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT"

"[doctor walks in] there's no easy way to say this. you have [looks at clipboard] cat...cat erects? cat or racks? Sorry. I'm new."

"I've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!"

"What's gonna happen if Hilary Clinton gets elected as President. The kitchen staff are gonna wonder why she's missing."

"What did the underscore say when he got up to leave? Gotta Dash!"

"I felt shit today My finger ripped through the toilet paper"

"Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?"

"I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy."

"My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps."