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Joke of the Day

"The worst time to hear I told you so is when you end up saying it to yourself."

"I've decided to be outraged about straws too flimsy to punch through their own wrappers. Time to blog."

"Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that."

"I just donated money to help create water reservoirs for families in need. It was money well spent!"

"I used to cry when I got an erection... would call it my ""mourning wood"""

"I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, ""Please refill and return to sender."" Now I wait."

"Diarrhea is hereditary. Apparently it runs in your jeans."

"I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early. I told her ""I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."""

"I have a life besides Twitter. Like this one time that I take a walk into the woods but then realize there was no wifi & I began to panic."

"A frendly reminder! ""You will live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension."" Nikola Tesla"