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Joke of the Day

"ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work WIFE: Why ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom WIFE: so kill it ME:[whispering] its got my gun"

"A Freudian slip... ...is where you say one thing but fuck your mother."

"[speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define ""child"""

"What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live."

"I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold. He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why. He said he was outside before it was cool."

"I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner."

"[love making] Her: [leans in] ""do that thing you know I like."" [i cease to exist] Her: ""yeah baby."""

"Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer."

"Should be interesting when Trump meets the UK's prime minister... I wonder if he will shake her hand or grab her by the pussy"

"A married man walks into a bar"