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Joke of the Day

"Wild horses could easily drag me away. Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick. A big bunch of gerbils, maybe."

"Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she's calling the cops!"

"I just heard a horrific story about a man who left his house without his phone."

"4: can you whistle? M: *whistles* 4: Here's a booger. M:... 4: Keep it forever. Have kids they said. It'll be fun they said. Liars."

"This really crashes my belief system. Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year."

"What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? An aardvark with the sniffles!"

"I got my wisdom teeth out solely to make a cute viral video of what I said coming out of anaesthesia, but I used the N-word too many times."

"Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life."

"I must admit, my ""Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus"" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car."

"Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected."