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Joke of the Day

"The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card."

"Watching TV today I saw a struggling actress I used to know had landed a job in a bra commercial. Nice to see her supporting herself."

"I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75."

"me: ""4,000 for a beehive?"" salesman: ""sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that's only 50p each"" me: [checking my wallet] ""give me 3 bees"""

"My friend cooled himself to absolute zero... he's 0K now."

"If you prefer that unshaven look, you might not be a true hipster... These days, everyone loves hairy styles."

"Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don't send me a fruitcake. Already got one."

"Why are crime rates down in the US? Because criminals keep turning themselves into police."

"""GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL"" ""Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse"" ""Oh rad bring it in"""

"Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my wife is the only student. She's getting a D"