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Joke of the Day

"divorce Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat. Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ? Wife: What ? What child ? Husband: So you are not pregnant ??"

"This guy clicking his pen in Starbucks just got stabbed when I stabbed him."

"I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site... But when I got home, all the signs were there."

"When someone pushes the ""2"" button in an elevator it should automatically announce their weight."

"When is the one time when no doesn't mean no? When a woman rejects feminism."

"Do people ever come up and sing your own songs to you? Dave Grohl: Literally all the time Me: What if I say I'm not like the others?"

"It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling ""Release the Kraken!!"" right before I do it."

"Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps."

"This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising... And then it dawned on me"

"[Seance] *knock, knock* ME: Wh-who's there? [ouija board spells out A-T-C-H] ME: atch who? [spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U] ME: Dammit, Grandpa!"